By Hussain Wahab
Like we do to pious killers, virgin harlot and gentle Hitler, ladies and gentlemen come in thousands and millions: It’s high time we gave a standing ovation to our president of the federal republic of UDUS and his cabal for this Guinness award.
Within the six-week in office our Idan has reformed myriads of laws; duly follows principles and processes while deforming corruption, eruption; embezzlement, and bad system with the spirit of I can do it alone.
Let us form a circle or rather round– let us sit somewhere or find a seat somewhere as I will be dishing you the incredible and unsurmounted feat achieved by our distinguished SU President, Comrade Sanusi Lukman and his team. Listen attentively as I will be ‘trabayeing you through the screen of your smartphone!
In the blink of an eye, our idan has managed to turn the student fund into a magical disappearing purse— spending thousands on fuels, battery, chaotic orientation, sedi bala-bala‐sedi bolo-bolo trekking, and their siblings.
We will not be wrong to say; he has broken the record of Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and George Washington who are most often listed as the three highest-rated presidents among historians. Baba has set another record.
But wait, there’s more to being a master; a vetoist with finances, our president is also a Messi in the field of politics: He dabbles in the art of mind games as he dribbles at other executives, while they are asleep; dreaming and snoring. No wonder, they are “a failure of responsibility” by SRA. Who needs signatures and approval when you can simply exercise others’ powers without their consent?
Indeed, he is a telepathic superhero with a superpower as he diligently exercised his veto power. In just six short weeks, he has shown us the true meaning of efficiency. To be frank, you can also testify to these achievements from the welfarism they put forth, ranging from the lesser price we buy goods in our almighty SU shops, stable electricity at night during this exam period, so students can use the library till midnight; our bucketed-toilets_ very neat to the extent we prefer to be sleeping there while using an open place for defecation.
We must applaud and grant copyright to our president’s creativity in finding innovative ways to lead our students’ union. It’s not every day you come across someone who can pull off financial acrobatics and governance gymnastics with such flair on the road!
Who knew misappropriation and unauthorized power plays could be so seamless and swift? It’s like watching a magic show unfold, but instead of rabbits from hats, it is funds hats disappearing from the purse while Mr. Financial Secretary was deep asleep. Kudos to us for exercising our franchise wisely.
I heard that our idan was picking up calls before the house. If UDUS is truly the similitude of Nigeria, can Tinubu pick calls before the National Assembly? Well, we enjoyed this spectacular performance like K-drama characters with love.
Yours sincerely,
Hussain Kehinde Wahab– a 400-level Law Student and Managing-Editor at The News Digest Press UDUS.